Durrrr....

Yesterday I saw Erin at Walmart... and acted like a complete retard.

I could have struck up a conversation and gotten to know her a bit better. I'd really like to. BUT my brain effectively shuts off when I should be making intelligent conversation.

The worst part is that right as she was walking out the door, I got an explosion of things that I actually wanted to say and get an answer back about.

Now, cross your eyes, tilt your head and drool... that's about how I feel.

I'm officially adding "making smalltalk" to my list of skills to relearn when I'm not going insane because of work!

ah hah moment

Moment of truth: I heard stories of how much a fastidious housekeeper Jen was, and I was appalled when I saw her house. There was always a mess everywhere! I mean everywhere. I kinda resented her for keeping her house so messy (how horrible is that???).

Then I heard her days of keeping tidy were before she had kids. I could NOT understand this. I nannied for years and was always careful to keep the kids and their environment clean. I assumed that when you had kids, the maternal instinct included the desire to keep your baby safe from choking hazards on the ground and infections / unclean dirt around their play and eating areas. But I was shown to be wrong.

When we moved to our new apartment I kept it clean. Not sterile, because ya know, I'm kinds a sloppy person. I was proud of the fact that I could keep house, even when James was living with us (and I was effectively living in a bachelor pad....)and most especially when his boys came over. I was determined to show them that living like they were was not the only way. (Again, how conceited was I??)

Then I got very really terribly stressed out and even though I was taking antidepressants, I felt that the task of keeping house on top of everything else was just too much. I tried to tell myself that I'd be able to get it done if I didn't ork all the time. But them Saturdays (and Sundays) would roll around and I could not make myself do it.

One day as I was searching through the pile of laundry that had not been washed in a month for something to wear, I had my epiphany. DUH! This is what happened to Jen! I know living with James was no picnic for her. I heard about it in her words and I got confirmation from James. It was stressful and she really tried to do her best. She weathered their storms so much better than I could have. James was a monstrous ogre to her ( and I love James, he is my brother by choice... not because I had to live with him.. :P ) and he treated her like crap. You could ask him and he'll tell you. He was trying to deal with his own demons and instead of beating those demons he took it out on Jen.

Through this ongoing trial she didn't fall away from the church, she didn't even break out in pimples like I always seem to do! SHe raised some of the most amazing little boys I know, got a little reclusive but was always willing to do the right thing and was a very diligent Visiting Teacher and feeder of missionaries. Really the only thing that suffered was her housekeeping. That's about it!

Now not to paint the roses red... she did get bitter and angry... but who wouldn't? Honestly?!

I can't believe how easy it is to let the things slip when life is so out of control. I'm grateful for the teaching moment, because I really don't resent her dirty house any more. I don't like it... and I certainly don't want to wake up and find myself in a similarly dirty house, but I feel like I understand so much more about life now.

And yesterday I started on the laundry that has been sitting in the closet for about 2 months now. And I had a wonderful helper come over and help me with the vacuuming that has not been done in about as long. Thanks Janika!! I feel like I'm on the road to recovery. AAh, bliss.

Also found on the baby's blog - Names

I was bored a while back... way back in the 'desire' stage and we came up with some baby names. Actually they are person names but we will use one of them to name our baby... :P (meanings to be added next lunch break)

Category - Family names Arren likes: (most of them are one name from each family)
James Dwayne (supplant ; dark)
John Roy (God is good ; king)
Charles Oliver (man ; elf army/ olive tree)
Peter Eugene (rocky/ stone ; well born)


Emma Hazel (strength ; commanding authority)
Carol Janelle (freeman ; God is gracious)
RuthE Megan (Firend ; Pearl)
Laura Bethany (crown of laurels ; God's disciple)

Scott's picks:
Jared (descent)
Marcus (martial/ warlike)
Archiantus ()
Brandon (hill/ high spirited)

Katherine (pure/ unsullied)
Catrina (pure/ unsullied)
Olivia (olive tree)
Bernadette (brave)
Chloe (blooming, verdant)

Arren's (not family) picks:
Tobias (God is good)
Gareth (gentle)
Jaron(vocal)
Cody (cushion)

Bianca (white/ fair)
Marget (pearl)
Miereal ()
Ortensia (gardener)
Jael (Hebrew for high climbing)

Other Unusual Names:
Braden (open minded)
Brice (strength)
Damien (to tame)
Devlin (brave, fierce)
Landon (plain, old fashioned)
Rowan (tree with red berries)
Brandt (dignified)
Gavin (white hawk)
Johan (God is gracious)
Nigan (ahead)
Zarek (may God protect the King)
Haydenv (hedged valley)
Hamon (leader)

Zoe (life)
Aniktah () OR Anitra (gracious, fill of grace)
Ester (star)
Arabella (eagle; a hearth)
Gemma (precious stone, jewl)
Aaliyah (to ascend, highly exalted)
Nadine (hope)
Abril (open; secure, protected)
Seraphina (highest 'level' of angel)

Comments and OPINIONS are strongly encouraged!!

Love you Forever

Forever and always, my baby you'll be.

Check it out.

Family Picture

Pictures!

They are a bit... random... but if you ask me about them, i'll tell you a story!

One of these pictures is from our anniversary.






Also see the others in my photostream

Today has been a pretty good day

I got e-mails and calls from three family members. Woo!

I successfully made it through the day meeting with important people and doing new hire orientations and my *hopefully* last set of bills and stuff. AND I got home an hour earlier! WOO! And I got to bring home leftovers from the food stuffs we had catered in to work. Yum, Yum, Yum. Then I took a nice 3 hour nap and that was so wonderful!

Now I am uploading pictures from our phones to enjoy on this very blog.

Whoops!

I forgot I am trying NOT to be a whiney-baby.

Today i met the CEO of our company. And he said, as I was leaving the room (and he kinda interrupted another conversation he was in) 'nice to meet you'. This evidently is a big deal. Woo! I made a favorable impression in like 3 seconds. :)

Then I made him laugh as everyone was leaving. And everyone was very nice about everything.

AND I had leftovers from the big meetings that our CEO and CFO and COO and other important people were at, and I feel like I might burst from so much fruit and fruit dip and more fruit and oh I had a roast beef sandwich and chips and birthday cake and salad and more salad and chicken pasta primo and cookies and water. SO MUCH FOOD!

AND I get to do it all over again tomorrow. Tomorrow also comes with breakfast. Wow.

And tomorrow which will be a very busy day, I get to do the new hire orientation for our new Senior Staff Accountant. This may not sound so exciting, however I have been doing staff accounting in the interim between accountants. Ugh! I'm excited I had the opportunity to learn what I did, and now I have another spiffy thing to add to my resume, but I am TOTALLY glad it will be over tomorrow. I will have lots more time to do my actual job.

Today I was helping out Paul, who is the Environmental Protections guy for the Texas and Colorado Region, and I didn't finish inputting the permit information until like 5:30 or 6 this evening. By that time Tom who works with Paul on these permits had called and left e-mails and stuff that I had not received because I was upstairs sitting there. 'Dat very boring.' and refilling the coffee carafes and re arranging the cookie trays and other very important tasks that are partly my responsibility when we host the regional operation reviews. So I sent it to them at 6:30 and Paul asked if he was not an 'important person' because i said I was babysitting important people instead of getting this project done for him within the hour (which usually happens) HA! I told him that he was important because i actually did the project. He replied that he is extremely grateful for helping him out. I don't know why but it made me smile.

I was going to but then I didn't

This just might be the story of my life. But what frusterates me most is that I feel like I am getting encouragement to 'don't' from those closest to me. What a bummer.

I was going to visit friends and family in Houston over the weekend...
I was going to do laundry...
I was going to call you up...
I was going to have an amazing post...
I was going to help out at work today...
I was going to plan a trip to visit family...
I was going to make a vacation budget...
I was going to take a leap of faith, even though it was not solid, but it sure sounded dang fun...
you get the idea?

I feel like a loser. I'm not strong enough to make a difference. I hear that I have the greatest influence over certain people... but I think that's crap.

Validation is great. All the tension is gone!

Thanks Tambra!

don't forget to post about the good things too!

I've been given this council by good people with good intentions, so I figured i'd give it a go. However, I don't feel like being grammatically correct. so no capitals! ha! that's right i'm sticking it to the man!!

giggle, giggle.

I slept in today. Whoops I guess my typing at work is helping my capitolization... i'll let it pass. (I will also let pass the many funny spelling errors. :D )
When i woke up, Scott was already awake and out of bed. I reallly slept in today. I was having this amazing magic dream. The part I remember most vividly at the moment was the baddie from the other camp, we were not quite at war yet, was making magical brass cross- thing that would make their arrows un breakable. But he was spinning them out like a machine gun. My tutor was showing me this because I needed to get my magic up to par. It was fun and dramatic and I have not had a dream i rememeber nor a magical dream in way way too long.

Around two we got together with Ken and Miranda Erickson who live across the street and went to their friends house. It turns out that (I hope I'm getting names right) Matt Stevens and Houston Harris were mission companions. Small world, eh? He and his wife, Jessie, (who is my age)are a really fun couple. We hung out at their house until another couple arrived swapping 'how we met' stories. then everyone loaded into cars and drove back to our apartment and we fired up the grill and had delicious bacon wrapped shrimp and hotdogs and pork chops and fajitas meat and pistachio jello salad and strawberry jello salad and this most delicious potato salad and chips and guacamole and the generic condiments and cool beverages, I had this yummy high fructose corn suryp free cherry drink, and I feel like I am missing other foods because we all ate and were full and the Skembo's joined us and ate and then all the boys had seconds and there was still leftovers! It was pretty freakin great food.

The party finally broke up after the pool lights went on, everyone was tired and hot and cooled off from the pool and heated back up again from the hot tub and cooled off again by the breeze. Which is just about the perfect temperature to be. Now we are inside and I've gold bonded myself and when I don't move i don't itch. I'm pretty ready for bed.

Ah sleep is most beautiful!

PS Goldbond is REALLY stinky!

Arren, speaking in the 3rd person, does not do Benedril

Arren cannot even spell it.

I have been having problems with itching. It reallllly sucks.

About a month ago I shaved my legs and had this huge itch attack. Broke out in a rash the length of my legs, the works. When I started shaving way years and years back, I had this issue EVERY TIME I would bring a razor to proximity to my skin. I've got scars in my armpits from attempts to be a presentable teen... vs myself.

Not those kind of scars.

Just the kind where I had to plan when I would shave, time it out just right, and then do it the night before so I could be done with the blood spots from where the skin was cut along with the hair.

I'm not dumb. I had a doctor look at it and I was not shaving wrong. Or with a dull blade or whatever. I just have a problem with my skin. and my hair. and sharp shiny things.

Any whoo, I don't have those scars on my legs because I actually have a remarkable skin regeneration rate. Akin to Wolverine. Perhaps that's why I like him the best...

I've never had a really lasting problem with simple self mutilation, because I heal fast and don't scar easily. But that is not the point. And neither is the fact that I have scars under my arms because I'd get good and gory from shaving and then keep it gory by friction and moisture.

Nope, the point is that I dealt and dealt with my shaving experiences for so many years that I had learned how to get around the rash attacks. If I only shave this far up, then I have no problem. When I shave, DON'T put lotion on after... Never allow fabric or any amount of friction to come into contact for about 10 hours after shaving. etc.

Competive swimming was an embarrassing and uncomfortable 9 years. (Eventually I found out that plucking, while it does sting a bit more at first, can be a blessed alternative to shaving certain areas. Yeah it's gross. I could go into more detail, but I don't want any unnecessary puke. You're welcome.)

So I have not had a rash in over 4 or 5 years, Until last month.

SUCK!

I though it was a fluke because I did everything wrong. I had not waited long enough since the last time I shaved and I was cold etc.

Because most of my clothes are in the laundry I only had pants to wear, so I didn't shave for a month. My legs had gone from smooth to prickly to so much hair it's 'soft' again and all the way back to prickly. The rash had finally calmed down (it took the entire month) and I though it was safe to shave again. WRONG!

I got out of the shower and was in immediate discomfort. I put cooling lotion on and danced around on one foot and then the other to no avail. Finally I just sat down and scratched everywhere I itched. I had to clean out my nails about three times before Scott saw that I was about to start bleeding from the amount of scratching and made me stop. He suggested a Benedryl to stop the itching.

I popped two tiny pink pills and tried not to scratch. It was hard. We went to church and I sat down in the foyer. There were people playing with babies and chatting and I sat and watched them. I could hardly do more than that. If I moved I itched and I had agreed to not scratch off more skin, so I just didn't move.

Some people said hi... I think Mike asked if I was being anti-social, because I was not standing around, standing, hah!, and talking about some crap I don't really care about (<- evidence I'm still in a bad mood). I told him I was sleepy. I really was. Very sleepy. I slept the last two hours of church in the foyer and six more hours in my bed at home after that. And when I woke up I STILL ITCHED!!! AAAHHHH!


I'm terribly and completely frustrated with this body, why can't I have one that works?


However there is no evidence of the 1/8" of skin I lost earlier in the day. And the Case's let me borrow their Paul Mitchel tee tree lotion stuff and their Gold bond anti itch stuff to see if one of those help. I'm terribly skeptical.

AND I slep for about 12 hours last night and I'm STILL tired!!! Stupid crap Benedryl making me sleepy on my first day off in 3 freaking months!

Itsa post

Dad wants to talk about our travel plans to UT for our family reunion. Bleh. I don't want to think about it.

I popped on to say thanks to Scott for getting us our washer and dryer.
I was pulling out the clothes from the washer and putting them in to the dryer. Something felt weird... I couldn't figure if it was the lack of softener or what.
Then I realized it was that the clothes are already mostly dry! from the spin cycle! Woo!

Back to Cleaning.

Colors!

They have little descriptions written on them... But here are the digital descriptions.

Aidan's Room:

Geryson's Room:

Ummm. I think this one is James' room. Yes, Jame's room colors. But the colors are a little off... the tip bedroom color is not pink... it's an off white and the one that says bathroom is all wrong! It's teal in real life.
This picture gets the hues more correct. The 'bathroom' and the 'kitchen' are best in this picture... however the kitchen colors are not for James' kitchen... They are the colors I want. I'm still working on James' kitchen. I'm thinking bright beachy colors... and the bathroom is for the one he will redo. It's an accent color that will be matallic in real life and go on the wall behind the sink. I saw a cool rope net thing that could go over a shower curtain... I'm going crazy with ideas.

I 'memembered!!

James said he'd take a peek at my blog... I hope I can get home and upload the colors I picked out for his house today.

I went to Sherwin Williams which is accross the street and the guy there gave me a color book thing. Cool. I hoep I can scan it alright. He also said that generic stores like Walmart have more selection on types of paint. Like Metalic and textured and stuff. Hmm. I went to WalMart, but I was un impressed, however they did have ultra reflective aluminum paint. Cool. Perhaps we could mix in a bit of color and get just what I want... Next on the list of paint departments is Home Deopt.

I 'membered that great idea I had the other Sunday.

Background: Janika and I were talking and she was telling me that when she was in Young Women's, she had a really hard time with personal progress because, correct me if I'm wrong, her effort was not grand enough. For instance if Mom said she could check off reading scritures because they read them as a family (or whatever, now I'm into my own spieal, thanks Janika!) she would not check it off because she felt she needed to do MORE.

I catch myself doing this a LOT! I get so busy with all the hundreds of millions of things to do and the tons of ways to do them more right than last time, that I forget that family scripture study meets the requirements for reading in your scriptures everyday.

I also had a hard time checking off the goals, for the same reason. And unfortunately I got them 'done' when I didn't care so much. Backwards, huh? When I felt like I was slacking off ("meh, I read SOMETHING in the scriptures everyday this week... I'll check it off 'cause I TECHNICALLY did it even if I didn't do it to my standards")I passed off more goals. When I put energy into it and applied my standards, I was good for a day or two and then ineviably I'd 'drop the ball', and be back to technicallities. And since I knew I COULD do it and I felt I SHOULD do it 'my' way I did not want to accept less than my best.

Who does, right?

But, (and this is the lesson)I never remembered to look at myself from a higher perspective. I was doing good things. I was doing all the things I was asked to do. Sometimes I was even doing them super well! But the point is just because I was not constantly preforming at my level of expectation, does not mean I was not preforming / doing well in the sight of God.

We're about to leave so I'll finish this later.

I popped over to James' blog.. and had to run away fast. He has pictures of the boys up and their adventures and I welled up REAL fast.

Without permission and or an idea of what their rooms actually look like here are my ideas for their rooms. More ideas to be forthcoming.

Grey's room:


Skipper's room:


Sorry their so sketchy, I whipped them up while Scott's student was doing his final.Aidan's is more object focused... Grey's is more about the colors and decorating the existing stuff (thus all the misspelled words).

Aidan's wall under the chair rail gets to be a grassy green, The dresser is red with black drawers and the toy box is... *shrug* red too... or wood... whatever.

Grey's desk and dresser are blue and the drawers and writing space on the desk are decoupaged with old comic book pages. The wall to the garage will be an accent of bright blue with superheros painted on it.

Like my ideas?

food poisoning and design ideas

While I was sick in bed yesterday* I dreamed up design ideas and decorating schemes. Wen I woke up I asked Scott to get a sketch pad and a pencil. Space always seems SO much bigger in my dreams.

We went to the Skembo's for dessert** and Mike asked if I dreamed up ideas for my plot to decorate James' home when I visit. Um nope, but I sure did after that. James if you get this gimme a call. Right now. Don't dally and get distracted! I need your permission to go crazy with ideas... and room sizes :P

*it was probably more a emotional poisoning than food...
** Andrew was baptized and Craig and Concie were in town, so even ash faced as I was we went to say prayers and give talks at the baptism and eat pudding afterwards.

'Tag' is a game you play on the playground as a pipsqueak. Everyone runs around like crazy. One pipsqueak decides they have a crush on another pipsqueak and they say "I'm it!" Then they commence to chase their crush until they 'tag' them; transferring the 'It' status to their crush. Invariably no two pipsqueaks have a crush on each other so the new 'It' chases their own crush. Occasionally some of the less intelligent or more daring pipsqueaks will run too close to the 'It'. When that happens 'It' has the option to tag this other individual. Thereby keeping his or her real crush a secret from society and transferring the dreaded 'it' status. No one wants to be 'it'. That rule is hard coded into the matrix of the game, so don't question it.

Internet tag is similar. Everyone sits at their computer, all alone, and is very still while their fingers fly over the keyboard. Can you see the resemblance? I'll continue. One person decides they have a crush on themself, so they make a list of questions and answer them. ("Humans used to sit around and stare at themselves. Dat very boring.") To break the monotony they ask their crush from pipsqueak days to answer the questions they were so clever to write up. However, because this group of people are far more sophisticated than pipsqueaks, ie using computers alone in a room by themselves, they ask other unassuming interneters to answer the same questions; thereby effectively making their crush from public knowledge. Everyone who is tagged is required by the hard coded matrix to copy and paste the questions to their own space and re-write the answers that apply to them, and tag other interneters NOT including the interneter who tagged them.That would defeat the purpose. As sophisticated interneters the possibility of having a crush on an interneter who has a crush on you is great, an if your 'tagged' your crush and they 'tagged' you back then the whole of the internet would know who your crush is. No one wants others to know who their crush is. That rule is hard coded into the matrix of the game, so don't question it.

Got it? Ready, set, play!

This is NOT current... fyi

Frustration abounds with it's sometimes sweet sometimes bitter flavor. And the burning question is why. why. why. why. why not you ask. because the effort on my part and the tragic irony to effect all my energies spent. Minds race but the speed of mine is hindered. by what I know not. ooze and slime, molasses or honey. but per the irony it is crystallized and bespotted with mold. witty. perhaps at one time, but not now. pretty. perhaps as a child but not now. happy. I was thought to be, but not now. and here in lies the crux. For what is happiness? why do some struggle and never quite grasp, some achieve and others accept as a part of their being, put there with the spark of life and as removable as a fingerprint. That is you can scorch it off but it will always grow back, and quicker than you think, happiness. Ah!, it is a choice. If I am not happy it is my choice. True... And then the way to happiness is to choose never to be unhappy. So simple until the simplicity becomes complex. Like walking a straight and narrow path, as narrow as a knife's edge. If you slip, the unavoidable cut. The bigger the slip the deeper the cut. and while my life force slips away I hear that all I need to do is to choose to be happy. Happy that I die? Happy that I have slipped? or perhaps, happy that I am not yet dead. and that thought until I am. but until eternal twilight, there is the chance of another knife walker, with better balance than my own to come along and assist my wounds. And lo, though my vision is weak, I see a figure who helps me up and shares a pill that masks the pain, that bandages the blood. As I look harder I see he is covered in scars of trips down the knife blade, much deeper and ragged than my own. Stories are shared and a illumination surrounds him. He has learned how to choose happiness, how to live with a crutch and how happiness and putting one foot in front of the other elevates him enough that the simplicity of walking the straight path is not lost. Oh! the admiration. And when I start to progress the encouragement of praise. And when I stumble, there is no praise and I try herder. The words 'Well done' are so enticing, addicting. I try to please. Perhaps if I just live as if I belonged. And the fantasy is created, played out and just shy of perfect. I play it so well that my puppets become real. My blue robe and glittering wings give them life. But I hav not forgotten, this is not real. So I try to break free of the spell Ihave ceated. I try to live the way I should. I get back on my knife.A few tentative steps and I am reminded why I slipped in the first place. but before I fall, a conversation restores the good humours. And life progresses along quite happily. We are lerned in the ways of choosin to be happy. My mentor fills so many roles I cannot express my gratitude. So I will show my gratitude. But I am not as pretty as she, as flexable or athletic as she, not nearly as wise as she, my bread does not rise, the crayons ruin the wash, and to top it all off I still battle zits. I pray and cannot hear. perhaps my prayers are too loud. to soft? am asking for that wich the Lord will not grant? I ask again and answers come. Flying and poisioned. the little arrows are everywhere I turn, family? no and no. Friends no. But then if these good people who have fallen from their knifes and are invarious stages of getting back on, have the same cryptic answer... what then? The answer I understand, choose not to be unhappy. The application I cannot fathom. Must I jump fom the bridge just because everyon else is jumping. Once i was so happy to live so far from the edge. Earthquakes brought the edge to my front door. So now I must jump? And those others who have found their way out the back door and lived on solid ground forevermore? Am I not to be given the same chance? Or has my choice to bed in the front room bared all doors going back through the house?



But perhaps all this are the foolish immagionations of my mind, when in reality my slip on the knife-path was greater and more deadly. I create a fantasy to obscure the truth from myself, from you, but mostly from me.