From Diane Setterfield's The Thirteenth Tale

People disappear when they die. Their voices, their laughter, the warmth of their breath. Their flesh. Eventually their bones. All living mempry of them ceases. This is both dreadful and natural. Yet for some there is an exception to this annihilation. For in the books they write they continut to exist. We can rediscover them. Their humour, their tone of voice, their moods. Through the written word they can anger you or make you happy. They can comfort you. They can perplex you. They can alter you. All this, even though they are dead. Like flies in amber, like corpses frozen in ice, that which according to the laws of nature should pass away is, by the miracle of ink on paper, preserved. It is a kind of magic.

--Diane Setterfield

Sunday, October 21, 2007


I sure do hope you had a better day a t church than I did.

Man, I'm not sure what's up, I have been really tired (well I know about that one, I have not gotten much sleep...) and shaky and GRUMPY!

The shakes could either be a lack of good food... I have been feasting on doughnuts and candy instead of real food. Or it could be an effect of the medications I am taking... James is taking the same stuff and he gets the shakes too.

I went to a baby shower yesterday and, meh, it was okay. I went to church today, by myself, and ,meh, it was okay. The kids were rowdy and annoying. The lesson uninspiring. i really really wanted to go to adult classes.

I miss my nephews so much it's uncomfortable to be around other kids, they do cute things and I am reminded of the boys and then I miss them more and more. It' s really tough.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

How could yo...uh...why...NOOOOOOO!

SO before I was finished writing the previous post, James comes in and calls a family meeting. Well Scott was gone so it was just bro and sister at this family meeting.

He is moving to Washington.

This is me trying REALLLLLY hard to stay happy. I'm am so proud of him and his growth and what he has learned and that he is doing the most right thing.

But I'm also a selfish little sister.

I have had a big brother for a year now. That's it. From one fall season to another fall season. September to November... after 21 years of waiting! How is that fair?! Just a year and already my child/playthings are taken away and held hostage in Washington. Now my bestest big brother is leaving me too. I will officially have NO family in the town where I live... which by the way is about as large as London. And there will be only two people in the house.

But it's really the very best thing that he could be doing right now.

I fantasize that I could volunteer to move up there with him.

However that would backfire is so many ways. The worst is that it would create the exact opposite reaction from Jenny then he is wanting.

So no dramatic moves across the country to a cold climate where it will actually snow... bummer :P

On the up side... He looks so much better now that he knows what he is doing, and has a spiritual confirmation (and my testimony that it's correct) that his choice is good.

Physically he looks softer. It's weird.

I could tell he was struggling with something. It was not even a case of 'sister intuition'... He looked horrible. Like he was sick, yellowish and almost pickelish. Yes, he looked like a pickle.

I asked him several times what was wrong. I got answers... and it was all stuff I could have guessed. Work was stressful today, worried about the divorce blah blah blah.

I asked if there was anything I could do... Nope, not really. He ate dinner before he came home... he is not thirsty. He just wants to play a gammie... (and dude, I'm never very helpful when it comes to playing computer games) all to no avail.

Then Monday he came home and he was clean looking and clean smelling. After a full day of work, when I asked for a hug, he smelled like he just got out of the shower and put on clothes fresh from the wash. And he didn't look like a pickle anymore. and he was relaxed. and happy.

It made me calm down a bit too. I was not worrying about him.

I truly have the most amazing brothers ever.

No doubt that I will miss him like crazy, but promised him I would not get pissy and moody because he is leaving or when he leaves. So I won't.

Monday, October 15, 2007

I've decided and that final!

I want to be like all the girls I looked up to as a youth.

Bertie, Christy, Amy, Elise, Jessica, Gina, Rhonda, Amy Lou, Kourt, Megan, but probably mostly Jessica and Elise.
Lately I have seen the most of Bertie via her blog. and I really want to be like her. SO happy and full of life and confident and fit. And beautiful.

So I am deciding to choose to see the good things in my life. To accept the bitter and rejoice in the sweet. I am goin gto really work on being positive.

It will be a long hard and probably lonely road, so wish me luck.

Question from Miles (my little Brother)

In any case so here is the big question of late.

Does the US as a big free country have the responciblility or the right to invade other contries and then try to police them?

Hmmm, good question.

I don't think any entity has the right to attempt to manipulate the free will of another. Not a person forcing another person to do something illegal (think crime lords and the mafia) nor a parson forcing a nation to follow only one way of thinking (Hitler and Stalin and Lennon and Saddam and communists in general...) nor do a group of peope have the right to do the same (any "wing" of politics which is a whole discussion in and of itself or the Talaban or whatever). So. In order for this to happen, good people must be vigilant in going around and keeping order.

I am reading the Lord of th Rings again. The fellowship of the ring was made of good people doing their best to keep free people free and tyrrany abated. However they "invaded" other lands and fought and killed to maintain that freedom.

Much like the US going to war with people/policies/ or nations that are corrupt and are actiely corrupting those around them. Or manipulating or even removing the free will of the afore mentioned people.

So I think the real question is when are we protecting freedom and when are we fighting just to fight?

If the free people of Middle earth had the strength, and they marched aganist Mordor and were able win battles and hold their position near the Mount of Mordor, and if they were content to sit there and fight until the evil of Sauroman was defeated; I think we'd have a great analogy to the US's position in the War aganist Terrorism. However they did not. They went in and destroyed the ring of power. Once that ring was destroyed, the evil forces were defeated, without a so-long and gory battle.

HOWEVER. That is a story. In real life there is no ring. And just like is explaned in the book, if they were to destroy just Sauroman, another would rise to fill his shoes. So it is that if we killed off Hitler then Hussein came later to fill his shoes and then ben Lauden.


America as a big strong country has the opportunity to stomp out evil. And then withdraw. Build up their forces and prepare for the next baddie to come. Satan is likened to Sauroman, the ring would then be his power over this world. We don't have a Hobbit (Prophet) and a Wizard (Christ) at this time to destroy that ring of power. We are in the stages of Rangers roaming the wilds and beating back the evils that threaten to come up among us unawares. If a Ranger was to camp at a baddies door and vow to rid the world of evil by killing the whatevers he'd probably not get far... and that is where I think we are.

What do you think?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

So today I had my first nose bleed.

I'm not sure if it's really something to celebrate... but it just goes to show that I'm not done with "firsts".

I've been fighting a cough and sinus drainage for a month now. Perhaps I'll break down one of these days and see if it's allergies. I really don't want to because I've never had allergies before and I don't want to have allergies now.

I have lost my voice because of the coughing and now, instead of coughing until the phlegm comes out I just give a "token" cough so it doesn't tickle.

Stop reading if you are squeamish.

Today I had to cough for real and a nice chunk came flying right out. I had to scrape it off the cabinet where it landed. EW!

Okay all you squeamish types... you can read again.

Scott went to a service project this morning and came home with a shopping bag full of fresh mint from the Coppell community garden. James helped me de-stem the leaves and I made up a big batch (1 gal) of mint tea. YUMMY!

I have started to come around to online bill pay. Starting this month my bills will be automated and electronic. Wish me luck.

I had a tough week. November is the end of our fiscal year at work and everyone is straining to get things done and ready for years end. Thus I have more projects. It's not a big deal. I like doing projects for everyone. HOWEVER, I have daily duties that are part of my job description. I am having less and less time to do them because of all the projects I'm picking up. So I had James assist me in streamlining some of my daily chores.

Monday we stayed up till midnight as he showed me how to do macros in excel. I asked to stop because I was really tired and i get up between 5 and 5:30 to work out. I need the little sleep I get. Especially with the stress I am under right now. So I got to work on Tuesday and was ready o start implementing the stuffs I had half learned. At 8:30 my boss comes over and gives me 3 projects that I have to have finished at the end of the day or at the end of the week. Cool. One of those projects was a powerpoint presentation. Every time I opened it to work on it, I would look up and 3 hours had passed. Oooops. The other two involved calling people, which I am not fond of doing, and gathering informations. I also had to worry about projects that were started months ago. So I had no time to work on my pet project in excel. The rest of the week was rinse and repeat. Evenings I would come home, and go to bed... I had dinner twice all week. Tuesday Scott and I started gathering things to decorate for Halloween, we both passed out before any real decorating began. Mornings I had to ask Crystal to stop early so I would not pass out from lack of food. Finally on Thursday night I had Scott get some groceries. I had a sweet chat with James, ate dinner and went to bed. Again after midnight. I went to bed after 11 every night this week!!! I'm SO tired. Friday James and Scott brought me dinner at work and we got my excel projects started. I came home and went to bed, they went to play volleyball.

I really wanted to play volleyball. I shaved my legs and was so ready. But I was way too tired. Today my goal was to sleep all day!

So I got up at 8, which is sleeping in for me. I picked up the house and went back to bed. I got up again at 11:30 when Jessey came in and started licking my hair. Normally I think it's cute when our cats "groom" us. This morning Jessey swallowed a clump of hair and spit it out on my face. It was all wet and cat-breath-y. So I got up. I did laundry. All of the laundry in our apartment. It took all day and Texas Tech beating A&M 34 - 7 to get it done.

Now I am writing in my blog. and when I am done I will get my Sunday school lesson done and go to sleep.

Okay I'm done. Goodnight!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

So. The boys get to stay in WA. Until the divorce is final... James gets one weekend a month for a supervised visit that he pays for.


Monday, October 1, 2007

Just got back from court.

I hope I was more helpful than I feel. James said I was great and I'll take his word.