Life... or something like it.

Who came up with that phrase? I think I really really like them.

I got am e-mail from Miles the other day and I almost cracked in half. It was SO refreshing to read his sense of humor. It's so like mine. I knew just when he was being sarcastic and when he wanted me to laugh.. and I did.

I have been so stressed I can't sleep well and when I am awake I can't keep my eyes open. James said "Why don't you just choose to be happy?"

I PROMISE I AM TRYING MY VERY BEST!

I am overwhelmed with my weaknesses right now. Just when my plate is full with things I need to do better or fix, I get bombarded with more.

I have been helping James get ready to move to Washington.

last month I read a book and among other cultural lessons I thought it this was interesting. The heroin... the gal not the drug... I'm way not going to check into that right now... was stressed about her new marriage and money and other things that newly married Jewish girls worry over. She came home to find her mother very depressed and she had the presence of mind to take over the responsibilities her mother shouldered for Pesach. She found that when she was so busy cleaning and delegating and cooking, that she had no time to worry over anything else. * aside I just found a WONDERFUL site : jewish-life-organized.com *

I feel like I'm running off that theory right now... I'm not looking forward to things slowing down.

I was wondering what our conversations would be like if I were to speak what I was thinking. It would definitely be interesting. I hardly think in complete or linear patterns. And always there is a song going through my mind... so conversations would jump around and be broken up with random-usually unrelated- songs.

If I get a chance to breath with out having a meltdown, I'll try it and let the world know how it goes.

:)

I love automatic spell checks!

Meh.

I sure do hope you had a better day a t church than I did.

Man, I'm not sure what's up, I have been really tired (well I know about that one, I have not gotten much sleep...) and shaky and GRUMPY!

The shakes could either be a lack of good food... I have been feasting on doughnuts and candy instead of real food. Or it could be an effect of the medications I am taking... James is taking the same stuff and he gets the shakes too.

I went to a baby shower yesterday and, meh, it was okay. I went to church today, by myself, and ,meh, it was okay. The kids were rowdy and annoying. The lesson uninspiring. i really really wanted to go to adult classes.

I miss my nephews so much it's uncomfortable to be around other kids, they do cute things and I am reminded of the boys and then I miss them more and more. It' s really tough.

How could yo...uh...why...NOOOOOOO!

SO before I was finished writing the previous post, James comes in and calls a family meeting. Well Scott was gone so it was just bro and sister at this family meeting.

He is moving to Washington.

This is me trying REALLLLLY hard to stay happy. I'm am so proud of him and his growth and what he has learned and that he is doing the most right thing.

But I'm also a selfish little sister.

I have had a big brother for a year now. That's it. From one fall season to another fall season. September to November... after 21 years of waiting! How is that fair?! Just a year and already my child/playthings are taken away and held hostage in Washington. Now my bestest big brother is leaving me too. I will officially have NO family in the town where I live... which by the way is about as large as London. And there will be only two people in the house.

But it's really the very best thing that he could be doing right now.

I fantasize that I could volunteer to move up there with him.

However that would backfire is so many ways. The worst is that it would create the exact opposite reaction from Jenny then he is wanting.

So no dramatic moves across the country to a cold climate where it will actually snow... bummer :P

On the up side... He looks so much better now that he knows what he is doing, and has a spiritual confirmation (and my testimony that it's correct) that his choice is good.

Physically he looks softer. It's weird.

I could tell he was struggling with something. It was not even a case of 'sister intuition'... He looked horrible. Like he was sick, yellowish and almost pickelish. Yes, he looked like a pickle.

I asked him several times what was wrong. I got answers... and it was all stuff I could have guessed. Work was stressful today, worried about the divorce blah blah blah.

I asked if there was anything I could do... Nope, not really. He ate dinner before he came home... he is not thirsty. He just wants to play a gammie... (and dude, I'm never very helpful when it comes to playing computer games) all to no avail.

Then Monday he came home and he was clean looking and clean smelling. After a full day of work, when I asked for a hug, he smelled like he just got out of the shower and put on clothes fresh from the wash. And he didn't look like a pickle anymore. and he was relaxed. and happy.

It made me calm down a bit too. I was not worrying about him.

I truly have the most amazing brothers ever.

No doubt that I will miss him like crazy, but promised him I would not get pissy and moody because he is leaving or when he leaves. So I won't.

I've decided and that final!

I want to be like all the girls I looked up to as a youth.

Bertie, Christy, Amy, Elise, Jessica, Gina, Rhonda, Amy Lou, Kourt, Megan, but probably mostly Jessica and Elise.
Lately I have seen the most of Bertie via her blog. and I really want to be like her. SO happy and full of life and confident and fit. And beautiful.

So I am deciding to choose to see the good things in my life. To accept the bitter and rejoice in the sweet. I am goin gto really work on being positive.

It will be a long hard and probably lonely road, so wish me luck.

Question from Miles (my little Brother)

In any case so here is the big question of late.

Does the US as a big free country have the responciblility or the right to invade other contries and then try to police them?



Hmmm, good question.

I don't think any entity has the right to attempt to manipulate the free will of another. Not a person forcing another person to do something illegal (think crime lords and the mafia) nor a parson forcing a nation to follow only one way of thinking (Hitler and Stalin and Lennon and Saddam and communists in general...) nor do a group of peope have the right to do the same (any "wing" of politics which is a whole discussion in and of itself or the Talaban or whatever). So. In order for this to happen, good people must be vigilant in going around and keeping order.

I am reading the Lord of th Rings again. The fellowship of the ring was made of good people doing their best to keep free people free and tyrrany abated. However they "invaded" other lands and fought and killed to maintain that freedom.

Much like the US going to war with people/policies/ or nations that are corrupt and are actiely corrupting those around them. Or manipulating or even removing the free will of the afore mentioned people.

So I think the real question is when are we protecting freedom and when are we fighting just to fight?

If the free people of Middle earth had the strength, and they marched aganist Mordor and were able win battles and hold their position near the Mount of Mordor, and if they were content to sit there and fight until the evil of Sauroman was defeated; I think we'd have a great analogy to the US's position in the War aganist Terrorism. However they did not. They went in and destroyed the ring of power. Once that ring was destroyed, the evil forces were defeated, without a so-long and gory battle.

HOWEVER. That is a story. In real life there is no ring. And just like is explaned in the book, if they were to destroy just Sauroman, another would rise to fill his shoes. So it is that if we killed off Hitler then Hussein came later to fill his shoes and then ben Lauden.

SO. MY THOUGHTS:

America as a big strong country has the opportunity to stomp out evil. And then withdraw. Build up their forces and prepare for the next baddie to come. Satan is likened to Sauroman, the ring would then be his power over this world. We don't have a Hobbit (Prophet) and a Wizard (Christ) at this time to destroy that ring of power. We are in the stages of Rangers roaming the wilds and beating back the evils that threaten to come up among us unawares. If a Ranger was to camp at a baddies door and vow to rid the world of evil by killing the whatevers he'd probably not get far... and that is where I think we are.


What do you think?

So today I had my first nose bleed.

I'm not sure if it's really something to celebrate... but it just goes to show that I'm not done with "firsts".

I've been fighting a cough and sinus drainage for a month now. Perhaps I'll break down one of these days and see if it's allergies. I really don't want to because I've never had allergies before and I don't want to have allergies now.

I have lost my voice because of the coughing and now, instead of coughing until the phlegm comes out I just give a "token" cough so it doesn't tickle.

Stop reading if you are squeamish.

Today I had to cough for real and a nice chunk came flying right out. I had to scrape it off the cabinet where it landed. EW!


Okay all you squeamish types... you can read again.

Scott went to a service project this morning and came home with a shopping bag full of fresh mint from the Coppell community garden. James helped me de-stem the leaves and I made up a big batch (1 gal) of mint tea. YUMMY!

I have started to come around to online bill pay. Starting this month my bills will be automated and electronic. Wish me luck.

I had a tough week. November is the end of our fiscal year at work and everyone is straining to get things done and ready for years end. Thus I have more projects. It's not a big deal. I like doing projects for everyone. HOWEVER, I have daily duties that are part of my job description. I am having less and less time to do them because of all the projects I'm picking up. So I had James assist me in streamlining some of my daily chores.

Monday we stayed up till midnight as he showed me how to do macros in excel. I asked to stop because I was really tired and i get up between 5 and 5:30 to work out. I need the little sleep I get. Especially with the stress I am under right now. So I got to work on Tuesday and was ready o start implementing the stuffs I had half learned. At 8:30 my boss comes over and gives me 3 projects that I have to have finished at the end of the day or at the end of the week. Cool. One of those projects was a powerpoint presentation. Every time I opened it to work on it, I would look up and 3 hours had passed. Oooops. The other two involved calling people, which I am not fond of doing, and gathering informations. I also had to worry about projects that were started months ago. So I had no time to work on my pet project in excel. The rest of the week was rinse and repeat. Evenings I would come home, and go to bed... I had dinner twice all week. Tuesday Scott and I started gathering things to decorate for Halloween, we both passed out before any real decorating began. Mornings I had to ask Crystal to stop early so I would not pass out from lack of food. Finally on Thursday night I had Scott get some groceries. I had a sweet chat with James, ate dinner and went to bed. Again after midnight. I went to bed after 11 every night this week!!! I'm SO tired. Friday James and Scott brought me dinner at work and we got my excel projects started. I came home and went to bed, they went to play volleyball.

I really wanted to play volleyball. I shaved my legs and was so ready. But I was way too tired. Today my goal was to sleep all day!

So I got up at 8, which is sleeping in for me. I picked up the house and went back to bed. I got up again at 11:30 when Jessey came in and started licking my hair. Normally I think it's cute when our cats "groom" us. This morning Jessey swallowed a clump of hair and spit it out on my face. It was all wet and cat-breath-y. So I got up. I did laundry. All of the laundry in our apartment. It took all day and Texas Tech beating A&M 34 - 7 to get it done.

Now I am writing in my blog. and when I am done I will get my Sunday school lesson done and go to sleep.

Okay I'm done. Goodnight!

So. The boys get to stay in WA. Until the divorce is final... James gets one weekend a month for a supervised visit that he pays for.

Suck.

Just got back from court.

I hope I was more helpful than I feel. James said I was great and I'll take his word.

Stressed

I think I'll be writing in a real journal about this one. Sorry you'll have to wait until I'm dead to find out what is going on. :)

Got some pictures...

This MUST be a placeholder...

I know I had ton's that I was going to write about... and now I can't think of a thing. Well, I can but I will save them for a real journal... like a book that you write in. OR I could just chat those thought out with Crystal in the morning...

Oh, one of the things was that tomorrow is Jame's court date to start divorce proceedings. I've got very mixed feelings. I was telling a co worker today that the little angels on my shoulders are really having it out. Scott is going with James. They will leave at 7:30...so I may leave for work then too. I have 30 mins I need to make up. I was sick all over the toilet the other day. ...

bad French Onion soup at 1:30 AM at a bar while you are watching Monday Night Football does not sit well with me. I just learned that.

Empty nest or no... well it's probably definitely empty nest syndrome... nonetheless; I really miss my boys. I hope I get to see them soon.

On working out.

Crystal and I have started working out again. It's nice to get up in the mornings and start the day off right. I even have time to do my make-up well now. WooHoo, I got some compliments/second looks at work on Friday. I am taking it as a good thing.

We have also been playing volleyball at Yucatan on Friday nights. The first week I was REALLY sore, but this week I can feel where I used muscle groups more than normal but it's not bad.

I also had some super helpers teaching me the 'how' of the game. Este was my favorite teacher from last night. Thanks!

Now Scott wants the computer and i must relinquish my grip on the out-side cyber world.

Comments

So I have taken the time to read over the comments left me on my older posts. I have commented back on quite a few. Check it out.

Who sorts the mail?

How dare he!

I work really hard to do things really well and I take pride in my work. Who does he think he is to question my competence at my job! I "sort the mail", and I don't lose the bills. I have procedures. I have standards that I hold myself to. I work well because I allow myself to be anal about the job I am doing. Whatever it is. If the bill is missing, it's because I NEVER GOT IT!

"Stupid Fetcher!" - quote from Morrowind

If you can't read the e-mail I sent you why are you in Corporate management?!
I don't need some one who cannot read to be telling me that I am not doing my job well. Not to mention that I had FIXED the problem as much as is possible. And THEN I went to him. Geeze, It's not like I'm asking for a lot. Just look up the payment history, Tell the stupid people that we have either payed them already and they are retarded, or that we haven't. Not that it was Arren's fault. I have filled out the payment request and sent them in to YOU at corporate. And then I will fill out another request that I requested in advance, and we will pay them. There is no need to freak out my manager. No reason to be rude to me.

AH, done venting. I think.

now that I am more rational... He might not have meant to be so offensive. It was my decision to take the comment personally. I don't need to hang on to it. But I do need to let my manager know about it. * sharp nod* . Yes. First thing tomorrow. And if he tries to pull anything tomorrow, I'll go straight away to management... no matter if she has left or not. I have the cell numbers. I don't need to take any more steps down that path, anger and the dark side lie there...

EDIT.

I think I am good at doing these numbers. WOOHOO! It's like the first time ever.
K. so 'he' gets these emails where I have spelled out in detail what is going on. But he evidently can't read or can't add and subtract. It makes perfect sense to me and I can explain it to him or anyone using the numbers. Never thought I was that good at math. who knew!

I'm still upset that he is not moving past the first e-mail. Evidently not reading about what is going on and all. But I am feeling much better now.

passwords...shhh it's a secret

So I have a general password. for just about everything.

I use it at work and add number combinations behind it to differentiate between passwords that are "used" and therefore no longer valid.

So I was doing some banking stuffs and I had to call USAA. I had to set up a password because they will no longer be asking me to identify myself my telling them my fathers birth year... who knows that anyways... ( me! I guessed and it was right!!)

so I gave him the password and then they need a "hint" word. So if I forget my password They can give me a hint.

My hint word is a common weed... and it has NOTHING to do with my password.

So I was at work, trying NOT to think about the 50 odd co-workers that got laid off today... including my week one match-up in Fantasy Football... and I contemplated the irony that my common weed would make me thing of my password.

I'm home now and I'm still trying not to think about it. I can only handle so much of people I am close to being ripped away from my sphere of influence. Today's layoff has so over tipped the scale that I'm numb. In addition to James, in addition to the boys.

SO here are my thoughts.

Memories sometimes come with smells, salt free eggs and toast are the smell of early morning seminary. Sometimes they come with sounds, when I hear "Where's the girl" from the Scarlet Pimpernel I am transported back to the musical and the palpable tension the actor and actress brought to the music.

I have a plant memory. Just a common garden weed, but The feelings it's name evokes are overwhelmingly powerful to me.

This common weed is the memory of my cousins coming to visit. We were showing off our friends, their houses, and beach, and Texas in general. By the Nielson's old house on Oil Field Rd, there were longhorns. Naturally they were a stop on our tour of Sugar Land. I was so happy that they were there and so proud to have fantastical beasts and what not to show off. Aunt Jenell commented on a weed that was growing throughout the pasture. We picked the flowers and admired them. It was such a great memory, not outstanding in wonders or insight, but infused with contented joy.

Years later I was setting up my very first e-mail. I needed a user name and I picked one, probably something dumb, and was then required to enter a password. I remember the excitement of this moment. My stomach was all in knots. I was making an E-MAIL!! I was really grown up now! I picked my password (which is the same one I have used ever since.. I'm loyal like that :P) and they asked for a prompt. I remembered vividly for some reason the summer that my cousins came to visit. The common weed that we had admired seemed to epitomize the experience and has become a symbol of something beautiful and perfect, and happy. I was feeling happiness and wonder and excitement akin to that summer and named the weed as my prompt.


Later I realized that I could have ANOTHER e-mail address. I also realized how dumb my first one was. So I picked another much cooler name, but I was having trouble coming up with a password. My original password had a connection to my e-mail address via a movie I like so it was easier from then on to remember my password. The three words, my user name, password and prompt are now intrinsically locked together in a memory of the wonder of making my first e-mail address and the feeling of ultimate happiness.


So the memory of a weed really does remind me of my password; even though they are really truly not related in any other way.

Whas'goin on...

I just finished writing out a letter to our apartment explaining why they needed to pay us 2 or 3k. They rifled through and broke/ damaged our stuff.

They will pay.

We have no bed... just a mattress on the floor. Oh, yes, they will be paying us back for the damages and the time.

In Addition.

Jen has left with my nephews. She left James on a whim and is in Washington for an undetermined amount of time. I miss my boys.

In addition. I joined the fantasy football league at work.

I have no idea how football works, much less fantasy football...

In Addition.

I met Wes Staub and his wife Katie at a volleyball game last night. I grew up with his family and now he is living in our old ward in Richardson. Also there at the game was a guy I am SURE was in my study hall Sophomore year of HS.... Chris... I'm just sure, I'll have to go to another game and ask him.

Hey did you flirt with me in study hall back in high school??

hehe..

Tha's about it.

Oh, yeah, and Scott just bought me a new washer and dryer!! THIS washer and dryer.

more confinscated quotes!

You're always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company. ~Diane Von Furstenberg

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. ~Mark Twain

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

Life isn't worth living, unless it is lived for someone else. ~Albert Einstein

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet 'em on your way down. ~Wilson Mizner

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. ~Winston Churchill

Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away. ~Anonymous

A day without laughter is a day wasted. ~Charlie Chaplin

What does not kill me makes me stronger. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. ~Mahatma Gandhi

Oh Geeze ANOTHER post?! Do you not have a life???

Not actually. James and the boys are doing a sleepover... but only until 9 PM. Then they pack up the sleeping bags and go home.. how dumb is that?

ANYways the purpose is I grabbed this Poem from Lindsey Law's Facebook. I pretty much heart it.

Thank you Becca :) Its my favorite:

"Being Human" - Naimn

I wonder if the sun debates dawn
Some mornings
Not wanting to rise
Out of bed
From under the down-feather horizon
If the sky grows tired
Of being everywhere at once
Adapting to the mood swings
Of the weather
If clouds drift off
Trying to hold themselves together
Make deals with gravity
To loiter a little longer
I wonder if the rain is scared of falling
If it has trouble letting go
If snowflakes get sick
Of being perfect all the time
Each one trying to be one-of-a-kind
I wonder if stars wish
Upon themselves before they die
If they need to teach there young
How to shine
I wonder if shadows long
To once feel the sun
If they get lost in the shuffle
Not knowing where they're from
I wonder if sunrise and sunset
Respect each other
Even though they've never met
If volcanos get stressed
If storms have regrets
If compost believes in life after death
I wonder if breath
Ever thinks about suicide
If the wind just wants to sit
Still sometimes
And watch the world pass by
If smoke was born knowing how to rise
If rainbows get shy backstage
Not sure if their colors match right
I wonder if lightening sets an alarm clock
To know when to crack
If rivers ever stop
And think of turning back
If streams meet the wrong sea
And their whole life runs off track
I wonder if the snow wants to be black
If the soil thinks she's too dark
If butterflies want to cover up
Their marks
If rocks are self conscious of their weight
If mountains are insecure
Of their strength
I wonder if waves get discouraged
Crawling up the sand
Only to be pulled back again
To where they began
I wonder if land feels stepped upon
If sand feels insignificant
If trees need to question their lovers
To know where they stand
If branches waiver at the cross roads
Unsure of which way to grow
If the leaves understand
They're replaceable
And still dance when the wind blows
I wonder where the moon goes
When she is hiding
I want to find her there
And watch the ocean
Spin from a distance
Listen to her
Stir in her sleep
Effort give way to
Existence

Rhetorical Assignment One... assigned to myself , by myself

" Directions for Composition
Discuss the pros and cons of real, historical, or even fictitious laws. Use the following headings:

• legality
• justice
• expediency
• practicability
• decency
• consequences

Example
Apthonius provides the example of opposing a law that requires an adulterer, taken in the act, to be killed."

Again it was REALLY slow in my office today. It was fun. Everyone was in a good mood because we made our numbers for the week and it is Friday.

But by three I had ALL my work done, my boss had left and I was Rhetoric-ing. I saw the above as an example of what the ancient students of classical rhetoric (Roman to Renaissance) would do. I was inspired. I went to the work room got a letter sized pad of ruled paper and started listing the pros and cons... I got confused an had to clarify at the top of the page who my audience is: Atheist children... I was going to do legislature... but that would be too hard... and I was going to do Christians or religious people... but that would be too easy.

I'm not nearly done with my first draft. I was reading up on another site and got discouraged because they would all do it as a class and try and better from the next student's arguments and consiceness... but I'm stuck with myself.

Perhaps I'll post it here when I'm done and the internet will act as critiques..

PS. Christy just texted me and I chatted with her for a while, it was REALLY fun. If you read this, Christy, "I love you" . < that dot is me waiving at you, only I'm SO far away that you can't see me well...

Hey, so...( I'm trying to be very cool and macho) what religion are you?

WHAT!?!

How is that for office chat at the scanner?

So I answer. I go to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Huh?

I'm Mormon.

No Shi.. oops I can't say that in front of you. I knew a Mormon in High School. That's cool. * porbably thinking, aw nuts... now I can't ask you out.

* thinking, that's right buster... I'm totally outta your league! ..and then there is the fact that I'M MARRIED!

So I heard that you can't eat chocolate or drink things with caffine...

We have been advised not to. BUT that does not stop my husband and brother from sucking on the Dr.Pepper.

I had to leave then because I was laughing so hard.